We do not believe “all men are bad”. However, all men live in patriarchy, and are socialized in a patriarchal society (as are all women). Unless we men put in the work to change, we are all agents of patriarchy (regardless of gender), and we are all harmed by it.
As a man, I was socialized from even before I was born. My baby clothes may have been gender neutral maybe, most of the clothes were clearly for boys. My toys were for boys. At a certain point, I wanted to do the things that were suitable for boys, since there were consequences if I deviated. I remember that once, my aunt by accident got my little brother a Lego package for girls, and we teased him for days on end. He cried a fair bit. In my teenage years I once went a year without having sex and some guys made fun of that, to the degree that I felt I should try and have sex even in a way that I was uncomfortable with. Shame played a big role in teaching me how to be a man.
The way men relate to each other, reinforce the expectations we have of each other, even if these are “just jokes”. I have been an agent of patriarchy myself, shaming other men for not being man enough, by making jokes. Other ways of enforcing masculinity are through physical violence, social exclusion, and so forth.
Enforcing masculinity came “natural” to me, because society taught me how to do this from the day I was born. Allowing men to express themselves in non-masculine ways, and supporting men to do so, did not come naturally to me. I had to learn to see the value in non-traditional ways of expressing masculinity. I had to learn to be supportive. I was not taught how to do that.
As a man, unless I purposefully go beyond what I was taught by society about masculinity, I will be an agent of patriarchy.
Women, and people of all genders really, can also enforce traditional masculinity. For example in heterosexual relationships, women might expect their partners to not show vulnerability, to “man up” when shitty stuff happens. However, men are special because as a group we have more power in a patriarchal society, and also we do disproportionate amounts of harm. Most gender-based violence is perpetuated by men against folks of other genders.
“In 2015, close to one half (48%) of all solved homicides involving a female victim were committed by a spouse or other intimate partner. Family members (other than a parent) were perpetrators in 22 percent of female homicides, followed by casual acquaintances (14%), parents (6%), strangers (6%), and criminal acquaintances (3%). “
Canadian Femicide Observatory for Justice and Accountability, Trends & Patterns in Femicide
At the same time, we men are harmed as well. In patriarchy, we men do not flourish as humans either. We kill certain parts of ourselves that do not fir norms of traditional masculinity, and cannot be our whole selves. We pretend that we are different than we are, and hide parts of ourselves from those that are close to us. We connect through showing strength, and avoid connecting through showing vulnerability. Men benefit from growing beyond traditional masculinity too.
